The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Part II Summary

We covered the Private Victories (Habits 1 through 3) in the last post, so we'll carry on to Habits 4 through 7. I found Habit 5 the most powerful of these, but the most challenging habit to master, so we'll spend the most time on Habit 5.

HABIT 4: THINK WIN/WIN

In general, the best approach is Win/Win as it seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. It sees life as cooperative, not competitive. Whole books are dedicated on how to achieve Win/Win in actionable steps, demonstrating the powerful impact of this book.

However, Covey takes a more fundamental approach, so you can apply it to all areas instead of a formulaic, simplistic way. He notes that character is the foundation of Win/Win, and we need three character traits to achieve this.

Trait One: Integrity. You need Habits 1 to 3 to develop and maintain integrity. When we identify our values and what we want, we can go for the Win. You can’t go for the Win if you don’t know what your goals and principles are, because what are you fighting for in the first place?

Trait Two: Maturity. This is the balance between courage and consideration. You need to be very courageous because you must show your vulnerability as you discuss your needs and wants openly and honestly. This must be balanced with consideration of the other person’s needs and wants. Maturity validates BOTH you and the other person as important. This also boils down in self-compassion principles where you honor yourself as much as others.

Trait Three: Abundance Mentality. Covey was the one who coined the term Abundance Mentality, as well as Scarcity Mentality.  The concept of Abundance has also led to tons of books written on the subject.

When you have Abundance Mentality, you recognize that there’s enough in the world for both parties to succeed. Your success does not have to take away from another’s success.

With an Abundance Mentality, you realize that there is plenty out there to go around so you can share prestige, recognition, profits, decision-making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity leading to Synergy (Habit 6).

Again, self-compassion allows you to have Abundance where you rejoice in your successes, and you equally rejoice in others’ successes, even if they have more success than you. This feels infinitely better than having that pinched feeling of jealousy and envy toward your friends.

With Abundance, you come from a position of open-mindedness and whole-heartedness - you can achieve more together in a connected, holistic manner. Two heads are better than one.

Whereas, Scarcity Mentality is where you feel that you have to destroy the other person to succeed, otherwise that person will take your spot. You refuse to help others who are struggling in your field, for fear they will take over your resources and eclipse you. You may profit from Scarcity Mentality, and indeed, malignant Narcissists can be highly successful with this approach (even at the level of CEO), but this position is soul-crushing.

By attacking the other person and refusing to share, you become disconnected from others. Disconnect leads to despair, depression, anxiety and even suicide. Realize that connection is an even more basic need than food and water per the Harry Harlow experiments (baby monkeys prefer cloth mothers with no food to wire mothers with food).

Win/Win example:

I saw a father who was too strict with his daughter, Jane (for anonymous purposes) because his wife was killed when Jane was only 3 years old. Therefore, he doesn’t want any harm to go her way like his wife. Jane is obviously suffocated as she wants to go out with her friends on weekends, but she can only socialize with her friends in school.

It was obvious that they both love each other, even though they fight constantly about this issue.

We problem-solved and sought a Win/Win. I mentioned to Jane if she’s okay with her father taking her friends to the mall (many teenagers would rather drop dead), and she was absolutely delighted, much to my surprise.

I discussed with the father, and his face also lit up. He said he would be very happy to drive Jane and her friends to the mall, movies. This was an obvious solution, but the father was so trapped in his fear that he couldn’t think of alternatives, and clung to a Win/Lose situation (he wins by over-protection, and daughter loses).

Breakdown: The father is happy because he can “insure” his daughter’s safety, and Jane is thrilled to go out with her friends.

Application Suggestions: 

• Think about an upcoming interaction where you have to reach an agreement. Commit to a balance between courage and consideration. 
• Make a list of obstacles that keep you from applying the Win/Win paradigm more frequently. Determine what can you change about yourself to eliminate the obstacles.
• With your most important relationship, think of a perpetual disagreement you have. Try to put yourself in your loved one’s shoes, and figure out what that person sees as the solution. Write down what you see as a solution. Approach and work this out to a point of mutual beneficial agreement.

HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD

We will spend more time on this habit since Empathic listening is so difficult to do. Carl Rogers expounded on Empathic listening, and Covey did a superb job conveying the elements.

Empathic listening is exceedingly difficult, and I’ve committed all the non-empathic listening “sins” frequently, so do not judge yourself if you do all the "wrong things".

Covey starts out with seeing an Optometrist due to vision complaint. The Optometrist listens to your complaint, then takes off her glasses and hands them to you.

“Put these on,” she says. “I’ve worn this pair of glasses for 10 years now, and they’ve really helped me. I have an extra pair at home, so you can wear these”.

You put on the glasses, and it makes your vision even worse! When you tell her it’s gotten worse, she retorts, “You’re so ungrateful, after all I did to help you”.

You would never see this doctor again, as she clearly doesn’t understand your problem, barely listening to you, and then giving you advice that doesn’t fit who you are or your situation!

We all do this, often well-intentioned, because we want to help our friends, and we think giving advice, telling them what worked for us when we encountered this situation, but has no bearing on what his specific problem is, as everyone and every situation is different.

We also tend to listen to reply, because we think this will make us look clever and witty, when in reality, no one cares! When your friend is hurting, being there, listening empathically is the approach, not trying to one-up her.

Empathic listening is the opposite. You remove yourself from the equation, and understand what the person is not only saying from his viewpoint, but also understanding the emotional nuance of what he’s going through, without judging (you’re neither agreeing or disagreeing), giving advice, or putting your 2 cents in.

You are focused on him and doing your best to see what he’s going through. You are diagnosing the problem, and once you have all the facts and they feel understood, they’ll be more receptive to problem-solving. Your advice will also fit the issue at hand, as opposed to being the wrong prescription.

Step one: Remove yourself from the equation. Do not inject your autobiography when listening. These things are:

Evaluate: To agree or disagree. Does it make sense if the optometrist says, no I don’t agree that this lens is worse than this? You’re wrong (even though this is YOUR eyesight). WTF, how can she say she’s right, she doesn’t have your exact eyesight.

Probing: asking questions from our own frame of reference, for your own benefit, not for theirs. “Have you really tried your best?” Advise: You give counsel from your own experience, but you are you, not the person you’re talking to! “I’ve been through the same thing myself, so this is what you need to do”, but maybe not for someone else!

Interpreting: Figuring people out to explain why they’re doing something, based on our own motives, feelings and behaviors. Everyone’s unique, you can’t make assumptions like this. “What you’re trying to do here is this” when in fact, that’s not the case.

Advising: Telling them what to do from your own point of view, not taking into account their unique concerns and issues. "What has always worked for me in these circumstances is..." Yes, that worked for you, but not for me!

Instead, Empathic listening requires this step-by-step approach:

Level 1: Mimic content. You just spit out what the person says. At least you’re paying attention, but it’s very limited and stilted:

          “I hate school, Mom!”

          “You hate school”

Level 2: Rephrase the content. This is a bit better as you don’t sound like a parrot:

          “I hate school, Mom!”
          “You don’t want to go to school anymore”

Level 3: Now that you know the content, you reflect the feeling only. Here you accurately sense his frustration, but you focused more on the feeling, not so much the content:

          “I hate school, Mom!”
          “You’re feeling really frustrated!”

Level 4: This is the highest stage of Empathic listening. You use all three levels simultaneously. You digest the content, rephrase it to show you understand, and reflect the feeling:

          “I hate school, Mom!”
          “You’re feeling really frustrated about school!”

In level 4, you got the feeling and content down all at once. As you listen authentically to understand, by rephrasing content and reflecting feeling, the person feels that you’re on the same wave-length and creating a safe, nonjudgmental space.

They will feel more open to discussing how they truly feel. To get a sense of why empathic listening works, please refer to the 25th anniversary edition, pages 259 to 260 (what not to do), and pages 260 to 261 (empathic listening).

Once the person feels understood, you can then problem-solve with all the facts and feelings in a much more effective way.

If the above skill-set sounds hard, that’s because it is. When I was in college and volunteering for crisis center, we underwent a very vigorous program on empathic, nonjudgmental listening.

Sadly, there are no classes that I’ve seen outside of volunteering, but you can always improve. Work on level 1 and get that down to perfection (i.e. you’re actually paying attention with no electronic devices and other distractions). When you’re able to 100% focus on the content, then work on level 2, and so on.

We can’t be perfect listeners, but as long as people see you making the effort, doing your best not to interrupt, allowing them to talk freely without judgment, reflecting on their feelings, that can go a long way in your relationships.

HABIT 6: SYNERGIZE

Once you have a good grasp of habits 1 through 5, you can now synergize, which occurs between two or more persons. Example is two separate plants, by themselves, they can only grow so much, but when they're planted together, they grow even more since two plants close by can enrich the soil more.

Whole books are written on synergy, as results can multiply in a "whole is more than the sum of its parts" kind of way.

Here's a typical example of synergy. One person is very creative and brilliant but so disorganized that nothing gets done. He meets potential girlfriend in class who's extremely organized and can streamline things.

She was struck by the genius fragments of sentences and poems he wrote, and then collates them in perfection, taking a couple of days. He is struck by what she put together because that's exactly what he meant, he just couldn't organize it.

They publish the book and becomes a national bestseller. This is a parody of the typical Covey example when you do something using the habit, and you end up being a billionaire, Kappa (gamer emoticon for sarcasm).

In other words, you respect other people's differences and talents (i.e. one is very creative, the other is strategic, the other is good at actualizing) and come up with something greater than you could've accomplished on your own.

In this step, it's crucial to recognize how there are different ways of looking at things, there's no one right way, so each will be open to using these different perspectives and skills, to synergize.

For instance, in this famous picture, some will see an old woman, others a

young woman, but both perspectives are right. However, when you put both perspectives together, we get a fuller truth, that this picture is BOTH an old and young woman.

HABIT 7: SHARPEN THE SAW

You've arrived and "mastered" all 6 habits, but don't rest on your laurels. In this habit, you must preserve and enhance the greatest asset, you! Build on what you have to improve.

Physical: exercise, sleep, nutrition, stress management

Social/emotional: Service, empathy, synergy, intrinsic security

Spiritual: value clarification & commitment, study and meditation

Mental: reading, visualizing, planning and writing

These habits are difficult to follow, so you need good sleep and nutrition to even have the energy to carry them out!

It's also good to review if you're following your values, by taking a breather and re-evaluate - it's so easy to get stuck in the details, that you forget the big picture.

Conclusion: It's no wonder that Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People continues to this day. I appreciate how you must hone in on exactly what you want in life because it's important to have a map, otherwise you'll get lost. By cutting out the crap and meaningless things (i.e. keeping up with the Joneses), you can cut to the chase and be more effective in actualizing your goals, and having deep, meaningful relationships.

The How of Happiness Review

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Part 1: Summary of the 25th Anniversary Edition

INTRODUCTION: WHY 7 HABITS?

This will be a long post, as I'll be summarizing Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People through the first 3 Habits. The last 4 Habits will be covered in a separate post to be more "organized".

After using self-compassion, I noticeably felt better. I recall in this past post,

that I tried reading Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but couldn't even do the first exercise due to fatigue. But now that I'm in a much better place, I decided to go through the book again.

I completed the entire book when I had way more energy in College, and really found it eye-opening and helpful. However, the lessons didn't stick, otherwise, I would've remembered and continued with these habits to this day.

These habits can be very difficult to follow as it takes a lot of due diligence, willpower to not do what you want in the moment, but to work on what you find worthy, meaningful and important.

You can feel demoralized as you continue to slide back into bad habits. You may even feel negatively towards yourself, and feeling like a failure for not being an "effective" person.

That's why it's absolutely imperative that you practice self-compassion. There are going to be many days where you'd rather sleep in and not exercise, and you may berate yourself.

However, if you're kind to yourself, you'll validate these universal feelings, indeed, animals tend to use the least amount of energy, evolutionary speaking! We try to conserve energy in the face of scarcity.

Using self-compassion, you will then say, but I'm a truly worthy person, so I'll commit to exercising after work. You can walk up and down the stairs for 10 mins, or walk around the house for 10 mins as alternative. Some movement is better than none!

Therefore, if you didn't do the one habit that would make an enormous difference in your life, with self-compassion on your side, you'll just pick yourself up and do light exercise later on in the day!

Carl Rogers noted that having unconditional positive regard is the key to change, and an important ingredient in making things work for you. 

Additionally, you must have energy. When I was exhausted, I couldn't accomplish anything. So exercise, getting a good night's sleep, eating fruits and vegetables, and so forth can help with energy.

Why follow the 7 Habits in the first place? Because of Covey's work, future self-help books base their principles on his work - namely, one book will be on empathic listening, another on synergy, and so forth.

Further, I found the book not only profound but practical, as it outlines steps that can help you reach your goals, in a principled manner. Covey gives you exercises to act on these positive habits.

Through these exercises, you will find what you value, not what society, family and friends say you should be. Then, the book helps you to live in line with your own truths, again in a principled way.

Again, do these habits with self-compassion, recognizing that it's very hard work. Even Covey mentioned that it's difficult in his Foreword to the 2004 edition. He writes, "I have personally found living the 7 Habits a constant struggle...Because I sincerely work and struggle every day at living these principle-embodied habits, I warmly join you in this adventure" (p. 20). And this is the man who wrote the book!

Because of self-compassion and seeing ourselves as worthy, we want to live with integrity and principle. After all, we don't treat our precious things with contempt and carelessness, but rather with care. Likewise, when we value ourselves, we want to take care of ourselves, we want to be happy and pursue purpose and meaning in our lives, in a principled way.

I'm summarizing the 7 Habits as I find it's in sore need of an update for people of diverse backgrounds. It appears that Covey is writing to the upper white middle class families. Even so, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water", but rather focus on the principles of what Covey is expounding.

FOREWARD TO THE 25th ANNIVERSARY EDITION

In this Foreword, Covey acknowledges that our problems and pain are universal, and solutions will be based upon universal, timeless, self-evident principles. 

These principled solutions stand in contrast to common thinking of modern society as outlined below.

BODY:
Cultural tendency: continue with unhealthy lifestyle habits; treat health problems with surgery and medication.

Principle: prevent diseases and problems by incorporating healthy life choices. Such as the tried and true sleep hygiene, eating healthy, exercising, meditation, preventive medical checkups, and so forth.

MIND:
Cultural tendency: watch television, "entertain me"

Principle: read broadly and deeply, continuous education

HEART:
Cultural tendency: use relationships with others to advance your personal, selfish interests

Principle: deep, respectful listening, helping and serving others brings greatest fulfillment and joy.

I found the above compelling because when people think about being an "effective" person, they think you need to manipulate and use others to get ahead of the game, seek and gain power and money to abuse others to get what you want and need.

This book proposes the exact opposite, that by following principles of honor and integrity to the best of your abilities, it can help solve painful problems, bringing you joy and contentment, as it aligns with universal truths.

Instead of using and abusing others, Covey calls for having utmost respect, listening and understanding others deeply, without judgment. By doing this, you move toward empowering not just the person, but yourself.

INSIDE-OUT AND OVERVIEW

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People focuses on Character Ethic as a way to be an effective person. You must start first with your self, with your paradigms, your character and your motives.

For Covey, Character Ethic is the foundation of success - you can only experience enduring happiness when you integrate these principles.

The major principles are:

• Fairness
• Integrity and Honesty
• Human Dignity
• Service
• Quality or Excellence
• Potential/Growth
• Patience, Nurturance and Encouragement

By following these principles, you're following the correct roadmap. You may falter, but you can always consult the map and find your way back - there's always opportunities to do so to exercise these principles!

Following is a great description of a person who fell off the map and got lost, not using principles as a guide post, in the words of Erich Fromm:

Today, we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose meaningless chatter has replaced communicative speech, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and whose sense of dull despair has taken the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time, it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth.

I appreciate this quote, because this is what we all go through, and suffer, being a universal condition. However, we can change course by steering ourselves toward universal principles.

Do these principles make sense? They do, if we look at the negative of these timeless principles.

Being unfair, judgmental, deceptive, manipulative, not wanting to "git gud" (gamer terminology), being nasty and impatient to others - this doesn't lead to success in the truest sense.

Malignant narcissists, who have those negative qualities, can be extremely successful financially, often ending up as CEOs. Because they'd do anything to get ahead, they can cut corners and make quick gains, pushing their way to the glass ceiling. But they're very miserable, having no meaningful, loving relationships or connections with anyone.

Please be advised that human beings and all mammals are hard-wired to have connection with one another. We're social animals. When we're cut off or don't have a sense of belonging, that brings about true suffering.

But being fair, open, honest, improving upon yourself, encouraging and helping others - these things make people happy and able to connect with others in a fulfilling way.

Some of the negative habits to combat:

• procrastination
• impatience
• criticalness
• selfishness

Procrastination definitely makes you less effective. What's interesting is that the last 3 negative habits lead to disconnect from others. What this book is steering us toward is to have positive connections with others to be successful.

The book explains how you can achieve principled habits, but of course, have self-compassion if you go back to bad habits. Covey admits that having good habits involve tremendous process and commitment.

Covey notes that habits are the intersection of knowledge, skill and desire:

Knowledge is the theory and paradigms of what to do.

Skill is how to do it.

Desire is you want to do it.

The 7 Habits are incremental and integrated approach to developing personal and interpersonal effectiveness. As you go through the habits, you move from dependence to independence, and finally to interdependence.

When we reach interdependence, we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together, compared to independently, achieving more success and becoming more effective together. Two heads are better than one.

When you share yourself deeply, meaningfully with others, you may have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings.

Habits 1 to 3 help you move from dependence to independence. This is your Private Victory.

Habits 4 to 7 help you move from independence to interdependence. This is your Public Victory.

Although you need to achieve independence before you gain interdependence - you have to learn how to crawl before you walk - it may take many years, even a lifetime to "master" habits 1 to 3. However, you can also work on habits 4 to 7 concurrently!

HABIT 1 - BE PRO-ACTIVE

Being proactive means that you take responsibility for your own life. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions.

Reactive people are often effected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If the weather is bad, they feel bad.

However, a proactive person carries their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shine, doesn't matter, because proactive people are value driven, and their value is to produce good quality work, being kind to others, and so forth, regardless of what's going on.

Covey mentions the proactivity of Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor, who founded Logotherapy, and author of Man's Search For Meaning, which I wrote about here.

Despite the atrocities, Frankl chose how he acts, and found meaning in the suffering, and helped others to find their own meaning.

We all can't be Frankl. Indeed, if one of my hair strands is out of place, I feel that I can't stream as well. However, we can start slowly and have minor victories when we act positively rather than reacting. 

Suppose it's raining outside, and as a result your arthritis is really acting up. You can chose to stay at home and be in pain and miserable. Or you can have compassion and acknowledge your pain. Then you may problem-solve, give a middle finger to the crappy weather, and go out with your friends. 

Covey uses the model of circle of influence - those are the things you have control over, such as being patient, kind and understanding. Around the circle of influence, you have circle of concern, which you don't have control over such as the weather, politics and such. 

When you're proactive, you use your energy in working on your circle of influence, instead of reacting negatively to things you can't control, and then blaming others for your problems.

You have direct control by working on your habits, such as the Private Victories of Habits 1, 2, 3. Indirect control problems are solved by changing our methods of influence - Public Victories of Habits 4, 5, 6. No control problems can be dealt with accepting the way things are, even though we don't like it.

Here's an example on how you can expand your circle of influence, by working on yourself and how you respond.

Your boss tends to be critical of others, but doesn't have a verifiable DSM-V personality disorder, so you can work with her. Instead of complaining about yet another mistake she pointed out, you start trying to understand her and what she's looking for. 

Instead of avoiding her at all costs, or just saying "yes" to whatever she says to "get her off my back", you instead truly listen to what she wants and expects. Actually, she may be taken aback if she sees you actively searching out her advice when you have a question about the project, since she notices that people avoid her like the plague.

Because you truly understand what her vision is and you're able to implement it as a result, she will be impressed, and come to you for more of the "plum" projects.

You're clearly proactive in this situation. Instead of blaming her for being "bitchy" and saying, "if only she were more understanding, my work would be better", you decide to understand exactly what she wants, getting all the specifics so you can easily implement.

However, your other coworkers start getting jealous, one actually calls you a "brown noser" to your face. Instead of reacting, you have the wherewithal to tell him that you're not brown nosing, you're just following these particular steps that she finds useful and that's how you can "get ahead". By giving him these valuable tips, he can take it or leave it.

If he's "not convinced", you continue to make positive overtures toward him. Seeing that you're actually genuine and authentic, he starts using your tips, noticing that they actually work, and you gained an ally. 

The other coworkers eventually follow suit. You turned an unpleasant work experience into a positive one.

Now the issue here is if your boss actually has a verifiable personality disorder. She completely belittles and insults others, lies about her employees to cover herself, fires employees indiscriminately, and creates a truly toxic environment. 

You have a family to feed, so you can't quit your job, even though your wife and children are begging you to leave for your health.

However, even in this dire situation, you can be proactive. Take notes whenever she says something demeaning to you or another person. Make sure you write down the exact day and time this occurs. If you have good reflexes, you can also record the toxicity on your smartphone.

On the weekends, you and your wife scour the internet for job opportunities. If you get fired, you can hire a lawyer, armed with scores of exceptionally detailed notes, which is every lawyer's wet dream for a lawsuit.

If you manage to not get fired, once you find another job, you can put in your 2 weeks notice.

How can you tell if you're proactive or not? If you're reactive you use "have" statements. If you're proactive, you use "be" statements.

Reactive statements examples:

• I'll be happy when I have my house paid off...
• If only had a boss who wasn't such a dictator (use the techniques above instead)...
• If I had more obedient kids...
• If I had my degree...
• If I could just have more time to myself...

Proactive statements examples:

• I can be more patient
• I can be more wise
• I can be more understanding
• I can be more resourceful
• I can be more diligent

The Application Suggestions are:

1. For a full day, listen to your language and to the language of the people around you. How often do you use and hear reactive phrases such as "If only," "I can't", or "I have to".
2. Identify an experience that have behaved reactively. How could you respond proactively. Create this experience vividly in you mind, picturing yourself responding in a proactive manner. 
3. Select a problem from work or personal life that is frustrating to you. Determine whether it's direct, indirect, or no control problem. Identify the first step you can take in your Circle of Influence to solve it and then take that step.
4. Try the 30-day test of proactivity. Be aware of the change in your Circle of Influence.

HABIT 2: BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND

The following exercise will help define what you find truly valuable in your life.

Imagine yourself at a funeral, the whole procession. What would you want your loved ones (family and friends) and coworkers to say about you during your eulogy?

Those will be your values and what you consider important.

When I tried that exercise, I wanted people to say some positive things that I'm not. One is "she's someone who honors commitments" but I tend to cancel social engagements.

Therefore, through this funeral exercise, I know I need to work on only making promises that I can truly keep and really following through, as one of my core principles.

The other interesting thing is that nowhere in the eulogy did I want someone to say that "she valued her freedom" because that sounds "bad". However, when I really looked deep into myself, choosing only three things I value most, they are: 

1. Freedom
2. Love
3. Growth

The last two showed up in the eulogy, but my most valued, Freedom, did not. Even so, I find that I can't be authentic if I don't have freedom.

Therefore, do the eulogy, which is crucial, but in a separate list, find three things that make you happy.

A lot of us, in the happiness list, would put down being wealthy. As studies show, materialism doesn't lead to happiness, so being wealthy isn't your value.

Instead, write down why you want to be wealthy. What comes up mostly is you want money so you can travel, eat amazing foods, go to concerts and experience other unique activities and events.

Therefore, I would say that you value rich experiences, and that could be something you can work toward. 

It's important to come up with your unique mission statement. It will change as you consider things more, as you get older, as you go through different milestones in life, and such. But at least you have a blue print as to what you're aiming for.

Do the funeral exercise - it can be rather eye-opening to see where your values really lie.

Next, with this "End in Mind", you want to focus on what you want to be (character), and to do (contributions and achievements), and put that in your life mission statement.

Since this funeral exercise is so open-ended, as well as mission statements being equally open-ended, and I struggle in pinning things down, the Franklin Covey mission statement builder was quite helpful. 

I would do the funeral exercise, and then the mission statement builder.

Once armed with this knowledge, you have your own blueprint as to how you want to live your life, not how others perceive you.

You want to make sure that you follow your vision and values, which is your Circle of Influence, and the more you work, the more your Circle of Influence expands. That's where you want to focus your attention on.

You want a Principled Center. By focusing our lives on correct principles, we create a solid foundation, that doesn't fluctuate based on people or things that constantly change, and are quite fickle. 

Alternative Centers

Covey next lists alternative centers that we tend to have, rather than a Principled Center. These are spouse, family, money, work, possession, pleasure, friend/enemy, church/institution and self-centeredness.

Let's take work-centeredness as an example of why not having a Principled Center is problematic. When you're work-centered, your personal worth is determined by your occupation. You're only comfortable when you're working. You make your decisions based on the needs and expectations of work. You tend to be limited by your work role. You see your work as your life. 

The other alternative centers are equally problematic. But having a principled center, you aren't being acted upon by other people or circumstances, rather you make your decision based on looking at the whole picture, factoring in work, family and other needs to come up with the best solution.

Covey gives a good example of an alternative center versus principled center approach. Your husband was looking forward to this concert for the past month or so. But at the night of the concert, your employer calls you to do some prep work for tomorrow's 9 AM meeting.

If you're spouse-centered, you go to the concert with your husband. Or you may feel you have to work instead, but very anxious about his response, justifying your decision and protecting yourself from his disappointment,

If you're money-centered, you'd call your husband to cancel the concert b/c this could lead to a potential raise. 

Covey goes down the other alternative-centered options which we won't outline here, but the principled-centered option makes the most sense.

A possible outcome using the principle-centered approach is to communicate to your husband and boss, whom you both have a strong connection. You genuinely want to prepare for this meeting because you value your boss's effectiveness and you want to contribute to the team (proactive) rather than staying at work to get the edge on someone else (reactive).

You want to go to the concert with your husband because you both were committed to this for the past month or so, and this is your husband's favorite band growing up. 

You chose what is ultimately most valuable to you in your mission statement, which happens to be your relationship with your husband, when you did your eulogy.

Therefore, you tell your boss that you'll come in early in the morning to prepare for the meeting because you care about the welfare of the team, and go to the concert with hubby.

Application suggestions:

1. Record funeral impressions.
2. Write down your roles.
3. Begin work on your personal statement, this tool can help.
4. Circle all the alternate centers that you tend to follow
5. Start a collection of notes, quotes and ideas you may want to use as resource material for your mission statement
6. Identify a project you'll face, and envision how to solve this using a principled center approach.
7. Share the principles of Habit 2 to loved ones and/or work group, and suggest that together, being the process of a family and/or group mission statement.

HABIT 3: PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST

The answers to these questions will direct you during Habit 3.

Question 1: What one thing could you do (something you aren’t doing now) that, if you did it regularly, would make a tremendous positive difference in your personal life?

Question 2: What one thing in your business or professional life would bring similar results?

For the first question, I came up with 3: going to bed and getting up at the same time, exercising, and eating more fruits and vegetables. For the second question, being more organized by using to-do lists.

Covey poses that Habit 3 is the practical fulfillment of Habits 1 and 2.

Habit 1 says, “You’re in charge”. It challenges you to realize, “that’s an unhealthy program I’ve been given from my childhood, from my social mirror. I don’t like that wrong script, I can change it”.

Habit 2 shows us what’s most important to us.

Habit 3 is the exercise that you do to become principle-centered, and how you carry out what’s most important to you. Covey describes a time management matrix.

Quadrant 1 are important and urgent such as crises, pressing problems, deadlines.

Quadrant 2 is important but not urgent.

Quadrant 3 are non-important but urgent such as interruptions, some calls, some mail, some meetings.

Quadrant 4 are not important and not urgent such as trivia, time-wasters.

Write down all of your roles, such as personal, parent, spouse, employee and for each one, write down the essentials such for each of these roles - that will most likely be Quadrant 1, 2 and 3 concerns. Exercise would fall under your personal role, Quadrant 2.

If you, like most families, work multiple jobs, and you find that you don't have time to have dinner with your children (I would say this is a very basic Quadrant 2 issue), look again at your roles list. Delegate any Quadrant 3. 

If still pinched for time, look at your roles again, weeding out the unimportant positions. If you see one as being PTA member, then I'd quit, since your values are with your children (Habit 2).

If work is getting in the way, then cut unnecessary expenses to reduce work hours. I often see families struggling to make ends meet (leading to multiple jobs). Come to find out I see their children (as young as 5-years old) with the latest, largest iPhone ($1,500), when all they really need is clamshell for emergencies ($30). 

In other words, resist the urge to keep up with the Joneses. It's not worth working multiple jobs for all these unnecessary luxury items.

Here's an example that often comes up:

A mother brings in her daughter ("Jill") as she's severely depressed. Jill is concerned about her mother because she works too many hours, and her health is declining as a result. Further, they can't spend time together, which Jill says also makes her depressed. She spends her time alone in her room while her mother works. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

It was obvious that their relationship is their most-valued principle (Habit 2), so Quadrant II is working on their relationship.

When I asked the mother why she's working full-time and then Uber after work and on weekends, she reports that she has to pay bills (Quadrant 1 Urgent) and buy things for Jill to make her happy (allegedly Quadrant 2).

Jill then mentions that she doesn't even want these things, which include the mother paying for Jill and her friends to go out to eat, hair extensions, fancy manicures, smartphones, and so forth. We calculated that it comes to $1000/month. Uber = $8/hr, so that's 31.5 hours/week.

Since Jill convinced the mother that she'd rather spend the time with her, foregoing the luxuries, the mother agreed to quit Uber altogether and keep the full-time job. 

Jill went even further and agreed to do almost all the chores (Quadrant III), so that they both can spend even more time together, which is their Quadrant II, most important values.

I saw them 2 weeks later and Jill was beaming with joy - so not only did her depression go away completely, but she's very happy having all these special moments with her mother.

In other words, cut out the crap and focus on what's meaningful to you.

Click here for Part II - Public Victories.

The How of Happiness Review

All You Need To Do Is Have Self-Compassion! And It's Rather Easy!

In training, the first thing we learned in therapy techniques was Carl Rogers' approach of unconditional positive regard for your clients. For me, he was the GOAT. Those who are suffering most likely haven't been given the love and nurturing they needed in childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood. 

Therefore, as therapists, you accept and support the person, without question. You accept the client, including their flaws, after all, everyone has weaknesses, no one is "perfect".

By giving unconditional positive regard, the client then begins to regard themselves more positively after being heard, accepted and supported, they begin to see that they're worthy. And, because they're worthy, they'll be more motivated to change - you take care of things that are valuable, which includes you!

For some reason, this message has been strangely forgotten after my training, because the concept of self-esteem was the fetish. To the point where we have clients write positive things about themselves to improve self-esteem. Esteem, meaning, that you value yourself for your positive qualities, and the more positive qualities, the better your self-esteem. 

Do you see the fatal flaw? When you start thinking of your negative traits, and we all have them as human beings, your self-esteem will fall. Also, what if one of the things you find positive about yourself is that you have beautiful skin, but as you age, it will "sag" and then your self-esteem will crumble. Or, that you're a kind person, but there are going to be times when you act unkindly (out of stress, we're all human), so that will also lower your self-esteem.

However, if you can accept yourself fully, warts and all, because you know that you're not perfect, and no one else is perfect, you begin to accept yourself, and in turn, accept others for not being perfect as well! Thus ending the deadly poison of self and other-criticism, that destroys creativity, inspiration, passion, productivity, and love.

Once you have self-compassion, you will be more motivated to act in more healthy ways such as exercising, not procrastinating, not being critical of others because you see that you're a valuable person. And if you're valuable, like all valuable things, you want to take care of yourself.

Here is the scientific breakdown for why self-compassion works, and why self-esteem doesn't:



How do you have self-compassion? The easiest exercise is to treat yourself as a best friend would treat you. You don't even have to be that mindful it's very obvious when you feel bad because they're such strong, obvious emotions:

Anger, stress, hatred, comparing yourself negatively to another person leading to jealousy and envy, criticizing yourself (which makes you feel down in the dumps), and so forth.

In this post, I will outline the steps with the best friend strat, and then give five very common scenarios when we tend to be really mean to ourselves, and show how you use this best friend approach.

BEST FRIEND APPROACH

Step One: As soon as you feel that sinking, negative gross feeling, stop and think about what you're upset about.

Step Two: Talk to yourself (internally or out loud) as if you're your own best friend, using this three step method:

• Best friend will acknowledge the shittiness of how you feel and allow you to bitch and complain.
• Next, best friend would say this shit happens to all of us, you're not alone, and of course you'd feel horrible, who wouldn't?
• Lastly, how can we move forward and problem-solve?

EXAMPLES

Scenario One: You failed a test (or whatever project), you then begin to criticize yourself harshly and say that you're a complete loser and a fucking failure, you feel dejected and depressed. You feel like crap and crippled to do anything, which is the signal where you go into best friend mode:

As a best friend, he would tell you, that really sucks you got an F (or whatever failure), that's crushing and heart-breaking. He will say that we all fail, Edison failed millions of times, it never feels good but at least you tried and had the guts to show up and take that test (or do whatever project).

How can we do better to crush that test? And then come up with solutions in terms of studying "smarter" not "harder" (i.e. Gordon Greene's "Getting Straight A's"). You get excited and motivated so you order this used on Amazon.com and thank your best friend for support. Your friend says, "that's what friends are for!" You then get an A (at worst B+) on the next test.

Analysis: We see in this scenario how your friend acknowledged your feelings of suckiness when you got that big fat F.

He then universalized failure, that you're not the "only one" in the world who fails, so you're not the "sole loser outcast". Rather you're human just like everyone else.

Lastly, what can we do to change the outcome? Problem-solve and act upon the problem at hand!

Scenario Two: You're too tired to exercise yet again, even though exercising a mere 13 minutes, three times a week, can prevent major cardiovascular conditions that lead to death. 

You say to yourself that you're a lazy, pathetic, useless piece of shit who can't even do something as short as 13 minutes. You feel awful, which is the signal to go into best friend mode.

Best friend would say, no one likes to exercise, why do you think there are all these memes about hating exercise, and there's this viral cat video where the cat's so miserable to even move her left paw!

You're not lazy, you're human and like all the mammals in the world! ALL mammals are biologically wired to go the path of least resistance since calories are so scarce back then! Pampered pets tend to be overweight to obese, and inactive. The goal was to conserve the energy and hibernate in winter!

You feel better about yourself. Then he'll problem-solve and say, just go to the gym as the goal. If you don't want to exercise, then go back home. Most likely what happens is that you'll end up doing the 13 minutes, perhaps rounding up to 15 minutes or more.

Scenario 3: Your boyfriend dumped you, and you feel anger toward him. You also start feeling that you'll never find love again because you failed in this relationship. You tell yourself that you're unloveable, hideous, disgusting and trash. No one would love you ever again. You become depressed, which is signal to use the approach.

Your best friend might actually have a girl's weekend at your place to wallow in the sadness Friday night after work. She'll bring 12 different flavors of Ben and Jerry's, various chocolates, and order out pizza. You process the breakup and she tells you that everyone goes through breakups, it's a part of everyone's life - you're just like everyone in the world who's gotten rejected, I still love you. You feel better because of this truth. Then binge on Downton Abbey episodes.

But, on Sunday night, after you enjoyed the binge and wallow fest, your best friend tells you that you need to work on yourself and get healthy. She doesn't want to see you wallow in self-pity for months on end.

She tells you to go back to your life, go to work, take it one day at a time, socialize with your friends - you may meet eligible men. Feeling encouraged and supported, you begin to get over the break-up and taking healthy steps.

Scenario four: This is taken directly from my recent experience. You compare yourself negatively to another person. You begin to think why can't you be as fluent, as on point, as passionate, as humorous as Dr. Ramani:



Your friend notes that of course she's on point, she teaches this stuff every day to her students so she has to know the material like the back of her hand. For these interviews, she most likely prepared these answers in advance, and she has done so many, that it gets easier and easier!

I then feel better and interestingly, I felt gratitude (rather than feeling down on myself for "not measuring up") toward Dr. Ramani for helping people avoid getting involved with a narcissistic partner in the first place! Avoiding these people who destroy and crush others' souls (a malignant narcissist can conceivably kill his partner), literally saving lives.

Scenario five: You berate yourself for procrastinating yet again because you'd rather indulge yourself by playing video games. You call yourself pathetic, lazy and useless because you can't accomplish anything at all! 

How would you treat yourself with self-compassion? This is what I would tell myself, using the best friend approach:

It's so frustrating and annoying to not get things done because of procrastination! In fact, it's such a huge and universal problem that if you go to Barnes & Noble self-help section, most of the books are on procrastination! Of course you'd rather play video games, who wouldn't? Wow, you got work to do, so why not take a short break from gaming and just do 5 minutes of the chore and then you can go back and play the game. Feeling better about yourself for not being the only person who procrastinates, you spend 5 minutes and then more minutes as you get into the task, surprised that you got the bulk or almost all of the chores done!

I consciously tried self-compassion at work today which compelled me to write this post.

It was the first time where I felt light-hearted and a genuine joy, feeling full-hearted toward my coworkers without effort. I always feel the irritability when I'm at work, and use immense amount of energy to be pleasant to my coworkers since I like all my coworkers.

While they all say that I'm very easy to work with and non-intimidating, it takes up so much mental energy that I get drained at work. Which is why I end up playing video games after work. However today, having self-compassion, I have enough mental energy to write this post!

Despite being stressed today, interrupted every minute to sign, to make calls, and having to eat lunch in front of clients, I didn't feel mental fatigue, only physical fatigue. (The physical fatigue was my fault for not realizing I didn't have iron or synthroid in my weekly pill reminder box for the last 2 weeks, as well as untreated sleep apnea, and not exercising for being so tired).

At any rate, it was a wondrous feeling of being light and having this outpouring of love toward my coworkers (I do love them, I just don't feel it often due to work stressors), that I came up with rather creative solutions for a family, that surprised even myself!

The trap of doing any other exercises aside from self-compassion - activities such as keeping a gratitude journal, exercising regularly, and the like, is that if you don't do those things, you start feeling bad about yourself for being lazy, and you quit out of demoralization.

However, with self-compassion, you start feeling better. Even when you get down upon yourself for having a critical thought about yourself, you can snap out of it due to feeling the warning signs.

You may even laugh at yourself because of the irony. You're criticizing yourself for criticizing yourself! But by laughing at that, as your best friend would (perhaps even teasingly saying that you're a dork, but that makes you lovable), you can regain self-compassion.

Finally, as you accept yourself, flaws and all just like everyone else, you feel a sense of connection for others when you see them struggling, and end up having compassion towards them.

This feeling of love that you have to others make you feel even better and light - no jealousy, no bitterness, just a wonderful feeling of connection. We humans, as all the researchers say, are hard-wired for connection, and people tend to depression when you feel disconnected.

With self-compassion, as you feel better and find yourself worthy and worth doing all these hard things. You become more motivated to make healthy choices, do the gratitude exercises, eat healthy, get enough sleep, eat fruits and vegetables, just from self-compassion alone. 

The love you feel inwards and outwards becomes effortless, love being the powerful force, empowering you to do the hard, necessary things that are fulfilling to you.

The How of Happiness Review

Is the MBTI Pseudo-Science?

After finding out my personality type (and more specifically preferences in the way I perceive and judge things) and finding the MBTI/Jungian concepts of cognitive functions deadly accurate, Google searches into these systems of personalities led to many articles debunking and criticizing MBTI and Jungian personality types as pseudo-science. 

On the flip side, the Big Five Personality Traits are considered scientific and verifiable. 

Indeed, taking the MBTI online tests, my personality flitted between J and P, and even after learning about the Jungian cognitive functions, which is more reliable, I still couldn't tell what my personality type is. 

For instance, I really couldn't tell what my dominant function is, since we use it automatically without thinking. However, it was obvious to me (without having to take the test) that I prefer extroverted intuition for sure, meaning when I think about things I like to come up with tons of ideas, sometimes not necessarily connected. So I'm definitely Ne. As for the other functions of my personality type, introverted sensing and extroverted thinking, I couldn't tell. In fact, in medical school, I could see myself thinking that I was Te dominant since I was on point with the schedules, even exercising 5 times/week.

However, when I took the Big Five Personality Trait at multiple different online sites, the percentage may change by a mere 10% or so, but it was always consistent, leading to the empathic idealist profile. This made me chuckle, since the INFP sounds very much like the empathic idealist.

So is the MBTI and Jungian cognitive functions psuedo-science? 

As I'm not a scientist, I had to go back to the basics. Exactly what is science? Science is a systematic way of organizing empirical data, that can be tested and replicated, to explain and predict patterns of the universe.

The scientist comes up with an idea, and through experiments and collection of replicable data, if the large amount of data confirms the idea, time after time, this idea becomes a theory.

Science is highly esteemed because you can either prove or disprove a theory using the same experiments, over and over again. You can also critique whether the experiments being used are actually testing what you are evaluating. Finally, can the question that you're investigating be measured in the first place?

For instance, supposed I want to prove my idea that cats are superior beings, and because I want to make sure this idea is in fact true, I could "make up"an experiment that really doesn't test that idea, but may "sound" like it does.

In this example, we can say that superior beings don't follow instructions and "do their own thing" since they don't follow the herd. Therefore, my experiment collects data in calling my cat to come to me. They stare blankly at me 100% of the time. We then test that with millions of other cats, and it tends to be true 99% of the time with 5 billion collection points. 

There are the rare cats that do know their names and even so, they may or may not come to their owners (only when they want to), proving even more strongly that cats are "superior" because they do what they want to do, when they want to, on their own terms.

Per scientific methods, this is trash. One, you can't measure if something is in fact superior (i.e. what is superior? how do you measure that?), and the experiment, while easily replicable, doesn't really measure anything.

Using these criteria, the MBTI test itself isn't valid because your personality type constantly changes even when you take the same test twice - I took the official MBTI two times and then the online ones so many times to figure out if I were a J versus P as discussed here.

Even the official MBTI test is problematic. In the typing of Stephen Colbert, who tested as an INFP, you saw how his eyes lit up (which mine did as well) when the tester asked if he's more attracted to witty, creative, imaginative, incisive wit (this is supposed to be "N" or intuition), or if you find someone who can make others comfortable in practical ways ("S" or sensory):



As soon as I heard the second choice, I chose the "wrong" answer for my type. I'm infinitely more impressed by people who make sure that when you come into their homes, that you're warm and toasty, making your favorite cheese and fruit platter, and providing your favorite matching wine.

In fact, almost everyone would be more impressed by someone who is thoughtful and kind, over someone who is "just" a "smart ass". Of course, ideally, someone like my best friend Todd has both where he would combine various statements I would make and instantly come up with a joke, parody, imitation in unexpected surprising ways, but also makes sure that I'm cozy, comfortable and taken care of.

However, if you're forced to be in a relationship with someone who can only have 1 trait, 100% of people would chose the "S" option.

A better way of seeing if someone is an N or S is by asking if they think about things by considering open-ended possibilities (N), or seeing things in a structured, logical systematic manner (S). I'm very "N" so I'm not sure if I used the correct wording for "S" types and how they think.

Indeed, even the much-touted, "psychologist approved" Big Five Personality Traits, you can come up with your wrong personality type. You may notice that it's not "good" to be neurotic and irritable (even if you are) and then answer the questions where you get strongly "agreeable" when you should have scored the opposite, in the high neuroticism range.

In other words, it's hard to measure personality, because the person may second-guess, or may not know themselves very well, making personality inventory testing problematic. Even more highly tauted "psychologist approved" tests such as the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory,  though that is used to screen mental disorders) can be problematic.

You can see how an extremely intelligent Narcissist or Antisocial person would answer such that they're healthy. Which is why psychologists use this as a screening tool, not as a diagnostic tool.

Perhaps the question should be, given all the problems of knowing yourself, or knowing yourself, but preferring the opposite since "opposites attract" leading to incorrect choices and wrong typing, the question should be this instead:

If you're in fact typed correctly, is the MBTI useful?  At least for me, it's extremely useful, because I can use my personality to accomplish what's most important to me, that's natural to who I am, without backlash.

When I try to solve things by being so fed up by my disorganization that I set up very rigid schedules and trying to organize my living space "to perfection", I end up being very critical of myself because I invariably fail and get overwhelmed.

Because of the failure and overwhelm, I get very grouchy and irritable, which leads to me becoming critical of others who aren't "pulling their weight" in terms of organizing and cleaning. Being critical and judgmental of others, as opposed to being accepting and open-minded, is one of the traits I hate the most about myself.

In MBTI/Jungian terms, this is my inferior Te function at work when I use it as my primary, ignoring my dominant and auxiliary functions that I use naturally (Fi and Ne). Forcing yourself to be something you're not almost always leads to disaster and/or is short-lived, because you can't be someone you're not.

On the flip side, if you find out that you're the opposite of me where you have extremely strong Te, using your Te dominant is the right thing to do, because you're good at it, and you use Te in a mature, healthy manner that's actually quite compelling and refreshing.

However, if I use my cognitive functions based on who I truly am, I tend to be very successful. For instance, when I was in a rut and every day's the same and there's a sense of dissatisfaction, I was able to come up with solutions.

One of my values (the jargon is Fi, introverted feeling at work) is to grow and be challenged, it makes sense to use my auxiliary Ne (extroverted intuition) to come up with possibilities and to think outside the box. I came up with Twitch streaming due to love of video games, and the extreme challenge of being entertaining (since I never had to use that skill), and wanting to create a warm, accepting community all fit my values (Fi) and what I found right to me based on my past experiences (Si).

Then, I use Te in the "right manner". Knowing that streaming fits my values and the challenge will jolt me out of the daily grind, I know I need a schedule, otherwise I would never stream. I set up a schedule, researched the in's and out's of streaming, finding practical ways to make streaming work for me.

The burn-out indeed came when I used my Te in the wrong way where I was results-oriented thinking about numbers. But renewed interest in streaming came about when I thought deeply about whether streaming is meaningful and fun. Does it make me happy, does it fit my values, and once I realize it has been helpful and rewarding, and ignore the number-driven results, I stopped being burned-out.

Another way in which knowing your personality type is seeing your blind-spots. I'm basically a slug, because I know myself very well. I know I'm 100% going to like something or not, so I close myself off to dreadful experiences such as going to frat parties, learning how to cook, learning how to garden, because I know 100% that these activities will lead to dread. 

However, using my auxiliary extroverted intuition (Ne) and being open to things, I force myself to do them because I see the value of experiencing these things, confirming what I already know, and using these experiences to laugh about with friends. 

As a complete introvert, I can go months without talking to my friends. This is a huge blind-spot and is definitely hurtful to others because they think, appropriately, that if you don't call them, you must hate them, don't value their friendship at all, and/or they did something wrong, even though that's far from the case. Strangely, I think about my friends all the time, but never call (talking on the phone makes me cringe), and I'm content to be alone for weeks on end.

As this causes clear problems in relationships, I use my inferior Te this week in fact, and actually set up a schedule to check my messages daily. I hate schedules, but this is meaningful to me, so it's been working. My daily activity list has things I want to do because they're meaningful to me and adds value to my life.

So I add things to that list such as making my bed. At night, I like the immediate gratification of crawling into sheet and blankets perfectly smoothed and evened out, distributing the warmth equally, as opposed to pulling the blankets on me, and ending up with clumps of warmth and cold spots. Since I highly value being comfortable, making my bed makes sense.

However, if you find that making your bed is a hassle, and you don't care about comfort, then do not make your bed, do not even waste your time thinking about it and feeling guilty about not doing so. In fact, there are scientific studies showing that making your bed may increase dust mites. Luckily, since I'm getting allergy shots, I've been making my bed so dust mites aren't going to cause problems.

Folding clothes adds no meaning to me, because it's just as easy to fish out the clothes I need, then spend hours folding. Further, the clothes are clean so it's not going to cause any sanitary problems if you don't fold. 

However, if you find organization truly soothes your soul and gives you peace of mind (clutter can be soul-sucking), and you love it when all your clothes are neatly hung up and in drawers, then by all means fold the laundry!

Washing dishes, vacuuming, steam mopping the floors, washing the bathrooms are a must for sanitary reasons.

Knowing who you are, and accepting who you are, you can find ways that lead to happiness, productivity and meaning. 

The MBTI/Jungian classification seems to be the one personality inventory that helped me figure this all out in a systematic, logical manner. As opposed to my having a hunch that being rigid doesn't work for me, but why not!, there must be something wrong with me, because it works for almost everyone else.

Indeed, American society operates this way, where being productive is to make sure you show up on time at work, follow the regimented schedule, and you find out if you're doing well if you get the results (this is very Te). So naturally, I think that if it works for the majority of Americans, it should work for me...but it never does.

Now knowing why using my Te (extroverted thinking) out of order is problematic, I know how to use my Te in the right order, thanks to understanding cognitive functions and stacking.

So it's very difficult to find your true MBTI type, unless you're very honest with yourself and insightful, but once you do, you see how it can be extremely helpful. But is it pseudo-science?

I'm not sure how to characterize the MBTI, except that at least for me (n=1), it's extremely accurate, and a very helpful therapeutic tool. Perhaps the MBTI is more philosophical in that it seeks to explain how you perceive and think about things. That doesn't mean that there's no truth and no value in MBTI. Just the opposite, it seems to be very accurate and honest. In fact, I found that the Taoist philosophy is in many ways more truthful than a lot of science. But, you can technically say that Taoism is a pseudo-science, because you can't really use experiments to prove if Taoism is scientific.

Everyone uses things that can't be proved by science, but nevertheless hold truths. Controversial topics such as people finding meaning and purpose in having faith and going to your place of worship for affirmation, love, support, interdependence, even though spiritual matters, can't be proved to be "correct" by science. And, controversy again, quite a few people find religion and spirituality "psuedo-science", which is the code, pejorative word for "bull-shit".

However, for a lot of people, having faith is not only extremely valuable but life-affirming, and leads to positive community building, lifting people out of depression, despair and despondency that can come from being disconnected.

Likewise, why throw MBTI out the window? For me at least, it's the personality system that not only makes the most sense to me, but also the most useful. I finally understand why I do the things I do in a systematic manner. As opposed to having a vague hunch about why I fail if I operate in the typical "American" results-driven way and berate myself as a result.

I can now leverage this concrete information to be a more productive and happy person, as opposed to using the cookie cutter method of "just be more organized" and "just do it" which would work for quite a lot of people, but not for me.

In fact, I was often critical of myself because of my procrastination and how I can't just plunge in and do the things that I need to do! Now I am better able to accept myself, and solve problems in a more cohesive and enduring manner.

Conclusion:
The question, "Is the MBTI Pseudo-science?" is the wrong question to ask. Rather, the question posed should be, "is it helpful?" If you manage to get consistent results even on the flawed online MBTI tests, knowing your cognitive function and stacking will help you to accept yourself, and find more cohesive and effective ways to solve problems based on how you operate.

The answer is yes, it has been helpful to me and many others, which is why MBTI still endures despite all the flack.

The How of Happiness Review