|Exhibit A: Fat Princess|
Even Fat Princess (Exhibit A), despite being morbidly obese (this goes against the grain of the typical physically fit hero) is cute, demonstrating the importance of making sure your main playable character is attractive.
In other words, I can't think of any main video game character who's ugly except Kratos from God of War, but he's still within the realm of normalcy due to his hyper-masculine features.
So it's time that a video game has a team full of really heinous and hideous party members!
The Tales series is in my top 10 favorite franchises, which is a JRPG heavyweight, so I'm hoping Namco Bandai will come up with something along the lines of my fictional Tales of Nauseria. First, all Tales games' titles must end in -ria.
Bucking the main trend of handsome male heroes, your hero is Rosie O'Donnell, and she meets up with soon to be legendary party members, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, Vladimir Putin. and Hillary Clinton. I felt Phyllis Schlafly worse than Hillary, but the GamerGaters might actually like Phyllis.
Each member of your team will have absolutely hideous outfits. I remember actually taking copious notes during this awful waiting tables mini-games to get Estelle better clothes, since her default uniform was atrocious (Exhibit B).
|Exhibit B: Estelle's Ugly Dress|
The tradition up through Vesperia (I'm not sure if this is the case with Xillia since I haven't played it) is that the woman of the team beats up on the men. I was so relieved that they did away with the tradition in Berseria, which is yet another reason why it's the best Tales game.
At any rate, I avoided having Rita from Vesperia in my party because I couldn't take the fact that she keeps hitting Karol (male party member) for no reason.
However, gamers will be relieved to see that in Tales of Nauseria, both Rosie and H. Clinton frequently smack the Donald (channeling Stormy Daniels), Kim and Putin throughout the game.
Against the usual JRPG tropes of women being the most powerful party member, Kim will be the OP member with his full-screen AOE attacks (much like Rita in Vesperia) and ridiculously strong heals (Estelle in Vesperia).
We need to make sure Nauseria is even less-balanced than Vesperia, where I was eventually forced to have Rita in my party, because otherwise you really feel under-powered without her. So the meta will always include Kim Jong-Un in this ill-conceived game.
The Romantic Triangle (also another JRPG trope) involves the Orange one and Kim Jong-Un vying for Rosie's attentions, in which Trump, ironically, wins out in the end. This is canon, as if anyone's going to be upset if Rosie choses Kim instead.
Games critics tend to condemn games that have one ending and one canon love interest. Rather, they have a fetish for games that have branching stories and ability to chose their Waifu(s), but if this game came out, no critic would care.
There's also the cliched "made for each other" couple (such as Vesperia's Yuria and Estelle, despite having no chemistry), so Putin and H. Clinton represent the other power couple.
It appears that in the Tales games I have played, Symphonia, Vesperia and Berseria, there's always the incompetent B-team or rival group. Foils for Rosie O'Donnell are team Order of Elidor (why does the Fantasy genre always have weird names?), comprising of: Margot Robbie as the General, with her commanders, Antonio Banderas, Sofia Boutella, Denzel Washington, and Russell Wong.
The story revolves around the sickening trend of game developers creating impossibly beautiful JRPG characters that must be stopped at all costs.
Team Rosie discover a secret legend that you can destroy the all-powerful and ubiquitous Male and Female Gaze (which perpetuates people's need for eye candy) by using a powerful weapon, the Staff of Ordrum, the only weapon that can defeat the Gaze.
However, Legend also tells that the ancient Order of Elidor broke this Staff into three pieces, and dispersed them about 1000 years ago (note: in Fantasy Genre it's always 1000 years ago or any multiple of 1000) before the start of Nauseria. This was in order to protect the evil Gaze, so horny gamers can enjoy their Waifus and Husbandos, which we simply can't have.
Thus, the goal is for Team Rosie to find all three pieces, and restore the Staff through an ominous ritual called the Blinding. Once the Gaze is destroyed by the restored Staff, there'll no longer be a market for eye candy, leading to deaths of Waifus and Husbandos once and for all in the Video Games industry. You Defeated!
The over-used concept of the Trinity is definitely being used here. The three Big Bads are Shadow Organizations whose sole duty is to protect each piece of the Ordrum Staff. Admittedly, we are copying from the Megadimension Neptunia series, so they are represented by Dicktendo, PussyStation, and XXXBox.
The leaders of each organization have entrusted Margot Robbie, current General of the Order of Elidor, to protect these three organizations (and thus the three Staff pieces) as mentioned above.
Each of the evil Robbie-led rival team will end up being major Bosses like in all the Tales series I've played, where these antagonists are fully fleshed out and developed through the entirety of the game. Indeed, the battles against these Bosses were really awe-inspiring in all the Tales games I've played so far, especially Berseria where I was dying to kill Melchior. The rivalry of Velvet's team and the major bosses were simply epic.
CEOs of DickTendo, PussyStation and XXXBox will be Eva Mendes, Lena Headey and Alicia Vikander, and the final Big Boss (the two headed monster called the Female and Male Gazes) will need to be defeated after you performed the Blinding Ritual.
Like all the Tales games, character development, relationships and story are emphasized heavily, so too, Tales of Nauseria will have tons of romantic cutscenes of Trump and Kim wooing O'Donnell in a passionate, over the top manner.
If these romantic scenes don't seem enticing to you, this demonstrates the importance of making sure your playable characters are likable and good-looking, that was lost on the remastering of Dark Souls (I'm still triggered).
What do you think, will you play this game even though it'll make you barf, especially during the courting cutscenes?
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